Years of my Youth.

A walk with God (:

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Thy Word…

Job 5:18 For He bruises, but He binds up;
He wounds, but His hands make whole.

I promise here that when i am set on high
and lifted to safety,
i will remember that i have been lowly
and mourning.
Times where i realize that i am weak,
that He is the One and Only…
who alone is more than sufficient for me.

Yes, Lord, despite the excruciating pain
and unstoppable tears,
my prayer is still the same:
Create in me a pure heart,
and renew in me a right spirit.
Cloth me in Your Presence,
and make me bear fruits in abundance.

Anna, if you happen to see this post (which is not supposed to be here), i want to thank you once again, from the bottom of my heart, for knowing God and loving Him so deeply, so that you can be such an effective channel of God’s blessing to me in my darkest hours and weakest moments. You are full of beauty and faith, to allow Christ to live and speak through you!

Also want to take this time to thank various people who have offered invaluable encouragement and support during this short but intense period: Mum, Dear Timliang, Charles, Allan, Yassy, Glenn, Ian, Gwen, Timloh, Daniel Loh, Tina, Lisa, Liu Yang, Sharon, Wilfred and Charmaine. <3

… is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

Last Day

And so it came.
Unbelievable.

i wanted to capture my experiences as an ACSib student in this post, but after writing and deleting many times, i realized that it is an impossible feat.

All that i can say is: THANK YOU GOD, for directing me into the school, for allowing me to experience soooo much and for guiding me through this final & crucial lap!

Honestly speaking, i’m very sad and reluctant to leave. Seldom do i feel a sentimental attachment to an institution, but ACS is an exception…

I was immensely touched and ministered by Ms Chock’s address today in the LT1. Her message is something that i will always treasure in my heart.

Prior to that, we finalized Project X. The responses were heartwarming and encouraging. Praise God!

(: He is great, and i am most blessed to submit to His will to be a part of this emblem of great endeavour. No one else will do, nothing else will do.

It’s time to bid this blog farewell for the time being (till 12 Nov).

A song that is stuck in my mind:

Desert Song (This is Our God)

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it’s way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I’ve recieved I will sow

Amen!

The journey ahead

This is the buffer period, or the calm before the storm, so to speak.
Times like this makes me contemplative.
What has God been doing in my life?
Where is He leading me towards?
Which path should i take in the future?
Once again, i’m at the crossroads of life.

The time between end of IB exams and start of University term will be very crucial, it will play a determining role in practical things such as my chances of getting a scholarship and to a certain extent, my quality of life in the University. Hence, i will willingly sacrifice the promised Europe holiday trip to sharpen my mind for interviews, go for internships, job shadowing, read up for my courses etc.

Such a choice is purely pragmatic in nature, and it feels hollow to dive headlong into these affairs without being assured that there are spiritual & social significances to them as well. i suppose it’s God’s will to prevent us from engaging in the rat race that will slowly but surely bring us further and further away from His heart. The allure of prestige and wealth is more real than ever, but can i withstand the test and be purer and humbler in heart and do things that are truly significant, even at the expanse of (worldly) honour & glory?

For the past few months, He spoke through godly people such as Charles, who advised me to “do something really meaningful” during the extended break, such as to “serve in church, go overseas and work (mission trip!), or work in an NGO”. Hence, i used some time today (it will be a bit too late to start after IB exams) to research on internship opportunities in the social service sector and found something that moved me to tears:

The blog of Bridget Lew Tan.

As such, i have made up my mind, that i’ll be a down-to-earth angel immediately after my IB exams, to serve and to contribute to the community through at least 2 of these voluntary welfare organisations by the empowerment of God Almighty.

It is a truism as being clothed by the Presence of God and filled by the Spirit of Christ owns being wrapped in fanciful garb and loaded with sumptuous delicacies anytime. After all, “God never fails to provide according to His will”. (:

Soulmates

are not born, but made -
by God’s mighty and faithful hands, until
they awaken as
one.

Illumination

It is amazing how things can change from one extreme to another within a short span of a few hours…
i was blind, but now i see. Thanks for those who have been praying for me!

Enough of being a distraction and being distracted.
This dryness is killing me. Time is running out, and it’s time to get back on track.
Gravely yet gladly.

I Simply Live for You

Say the word and I will sing for You.
Over oceans deep I will follow.
If each star was a song
And every breath of wind praise.
It would still fail by far
To say all my heart contains.
I simply live,
I simply live for You.

As the glory of Your presence
Now fills this place.
In worship we will meet You
Face to face.
There is nothing in this world
To which You can be compared,
Glory of glory,
Praise upon praise.
You bind the broken-hearted.
And save all my tears.
By Your word You set the captive free.
There is nothing in this world
That You cannot do.
I simply live,
I simply live for You.

Will You Be There

Hold me
Like the River Jordan

And I will then say to thee
You are my friend

Carry me
Like you are my brother
Love me like a mother
Will you be there?

When weary
Tell me will you hold me
When wrong, will you scold me
When lost will you find me?

But they told me
A man should be faithful
And walk when not able
And fight till the end
But I’m only human

Everyone’s taking control of me
Seems that the world’s got a role for me
I’m so confused will you show to me
You’ll be there for me
And care enough to bear me

(Hold me)
(Lay your head lowly)
(Softly then boldly)
(Carry me there)

(Hold me)
(Love me and feed me)
(Kiss me and free me)
(I will feel blessed)

(Carry)
(Carry me boldly)
(Lift me up slowly)
(Carry me there)

(Save me)
(Heal me and bathe me)
(Softly you say to me)
(I will be there)

(Lift me)
(Lift me up slowly)
(Carry me boldly)
(Show me you care)

(Hold me)
(Lay your head lowly)
(Softly then boldly)
(Carry me there)

(Need me)
(Love me and feed me)
(Kiss me and free me)
(I will feel blessed)

In our darkest hour
In my deepest despair
Will you still care?
Will you be there?
In my trials and my tribulations
Through our doubts and frustrations
In my violence
In my turbulence
Through my fear and my confessions
In my anguish and my pain
Through my joy and my sorrow
In the promise of another tomorrow
I’ll never let you part
For you’re always in my heart

Oh yes.
I will still care.
i will be there for you!

“We see and understand things not as they are but as we are.”

i do wonder who’s the percipient one who made such an astute statement.

After spending grueling days and sleepless nights discussing the above claim in 1600 words, i have to admit that it precisely sums up human perception.

We’re all constructions of biases, prejudices, predispositions… it’s just a matter of degree and intensity.

Even God sees us not as we are (depraved sinners who deserve to be burnt eternally in Hell), but as He is (righteous in Christ Jesus, who is one with Him).

The implications of this claim (the “things” encompass living things, and human beings are living things) don’t hurt if they work for our good. We don’t mind a little favourtism that’s on our side, do we? On the other hand, the story becomes more dramatic and emotive when we become victims of such constructions (we can cry, complain, sue or fight, but it will not obliterate the inherent constructions). It all depends… on how the implications affect us or more blatantly, how they affect “me”.

By now you may have realized, in a sudden flash of lambency, that i’m surprisingly a skeptical relativist and an individualist. That’s hardly Communist, and quite far from the Christian belief too!

Say hi to the nice tolerant solitary 
…………..who doesn’t buy your ‘truths’.

Is there an absolute truth?
Your absolute truth may be subjective illusion to me and vice versa.
Your justified true belief may be illogical false delusion to me and vice versa.
Yet again, we’re but specks in the immeasurable Universe, which we will never grasp completely. There may be absolute truth but we (as a united human race)** do not know and may never come to know (some claim that absolute truth exists simply because our minds are capable of conceiving this concept, but that does not provide a satisfying explanation for the nature of its existence, so i don’t buy that).

The hardest thing to swallow about this entire TOKing experience was the realization that i had subconsciously succumbed to the very thing that i despise and furtively revile – conformity. It started with me not thinking too much (foolish acts always start with not thinking enough. Oh my son, THINK!!!), which was the easy way out. If not for a true friend called Timliang who aggressively and mercilessly tore my drafts apart and provided me with the impetus to reflect, i might have drowned myself in the so-called “Blue Ocean”.

Another hard thing to swallow was the realization that my English sucks. i have been deceived that A1s for O Level English and Literature speak volumes for my English standard, but i was wrong. Thanks to another true friend Audrey, an ex English SL students, who ended up correcting grammar for a HL English student…

It’s about time Zhuo’er, to use your brain.

As you exercise pragmatism and practicality, remember not to throw your discernment and originality into the wind.

Give your best to play with and conquer the system now, but more importantly, do not let it get into your System.

** My faith in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit is not so weak that it cease to stand just because of some thought provoking TOK assignment.

i still firmly believe through faith that He was, is and will always be the absolute truth.

Then again, i’m more aware of the harsh reality, the odds against evangelism in the age of science, reason and information.

How do i share the gospel with an agnostic when i would become one myself if i were to think so much?

ONLY by the Spirit of God.

Therefore, my dear brother or sister in Christ, i pray that you pray for us that we’ll be Spirit-filled, for it takes miracles that defy logic and reason (they are actually grossly limited in their capabilities to perceive knowledge, just that society deceives us into believing that they are pretty invincible) to bring the lost to the Truth which we claim to be true.

2 Corinthians 10:4-6
For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.

Retreat

Obtained an excuse from Parade, to acquire a timely retreat to replenish my depleted (physical, psychological, intellectual and spiritual) resources, and prepare for the challenges to come. It proved to be immensely rewarding.

As I perambulate the maltreated path of solitude and soul-searching, the scented breeze, the scorching sun, and even the hubbub of Saturday traffic carried the voices of my Best Friend, the Holy Spirit. He spoke grimly yet gently, and compelled me to think, to reflect and to meditate…

Having a strong mentality is relatively easy, carrying it through is arduous.

A glorious dream costs nothing, but making it come to pass may cost me everything.

Having conquered the mountain once doesn’t mean that it is forever under my feet.

Am i the prizefighter, who fights hesitantly and half-heartedly?
Or am i to revert to the bitchy spiteful prizefighter that disregards everything else apart from the prize money?

It is easy to flatter with words.
Think of Goneril and Regan.
It is difficult to love in silence and through actions.
Think of Cordelia and Kent.
Would you be “foolish” enough to die an early but noble death?
Like that of Cordelia.
Or would you rather be “wise”, to die later, in the midst of senseless strive?
Like Goneril, Regan and Edmund.

Sigh.

After so many years of walking with Jesus, i have yet to understand Him, others, myself and the meanings and ways of life up to even a small extent.
i have yet to find my equilibrium in God, yet to live life the way He has intended.

Lord i pray that you grant me discipline, fortitude and perseverance as i set my mind to seek You, to glorify you and honour those who love and care for me.

Please guide me by the hand in wisdom, love and power as i humble myself to be Your child.

(: and i know that i’m not alone in this.

The Meaning of Maturity

i do not belong to this world
The world does not belong to me
She is not Heaven
nor am i her citizen

i do not trust you absolutely
Do not trust me absolutely
i am not God
nor are you
We will disappoint each other
inevitably

Such is life
Oh, the harsh reality!

Live with it!

Live with it
without nursing grievances
Live with it
and still have Faith
still Hope
still Love…

This to me
is maturity

***********************************

Refer to:
Philippians 3:17-21
Colossians 3:2
Psalm 118:8
Revelation 14:12
James 1:12
Philippians 2:14-15
1 Corinthians 13:13
1 Peter 4:8
1 Corinthians 14:20

Learning

The most difficult lesson i’ve ever learnt,
is that of letting go and moving on
- the mastery of freedom, love and joy.

Thank you for allowing God to teach this great lesson of life through you.
You will always have a place in my heart.
God bless!

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